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@ Raasclart! inpc
2025-01-28 09:38:30
I still don’t have much of an idea how it all works, even after all these years. I scroll around the web looking for connection and often don’t find it. Building on the theme I wrote before, how some folks are very sure of themselves. I still don’t get it. A critique people had of me in the past was a lack of confidence. That’s a hard thing to deal with as a man. The statement is really saying you’re low status and if only this that and a third, you’d be a decent human. Cheers!
I’m a recluse. There’s been periods of life I’ve been non verbal and I’ve avoided social interaction a lot. On the flip, I got quite good at wiggling records about to make funny noises and this enabled me to involve myself in music in various was, despite never being a ‘proper musician’, you know, like someone who plays a guitar or piano etc. Over a very long time frame I’ve found myself around music makers that I share common interest with, be that Dub, Hip Hop, weird noises etc. It’s funny, I now know some pretty serious players within those genres and count as few as good friends. It’s fucking mental to be honest. I’ve ticked off a number of childhood heroes, probably people you don’t know, some you would’ve definitely heard on radio but wouldn’t know their names.
I like to think I’m quite good at what I do but the confidence thing is still difficult. Had I moved to London in my youth I could've earned a lot more money, especially in the 90s when there was actually a functioning music industry but I know I can’t deal with that level of hectic so I’ve remained in small places by the sea both in the UK and abroad.
I’ve been working on an album for the best part of a year and have 4 tracks I feel happy with, at least I feel they’re a good representation of my abilities and I’ve been very lucky to have a world class player contribute bass on a couple of tracks. I don’t share the talents of my compardres but as one well known musician I toured with said to me, “I know you’re for the band”. A simple statement but that’s what mattered to him. He liked that I gave a shit about how they sounded, despite beating myself up because I often felt I was fucking their sound up big time (I didn’t let on, with the exception of one gig where EVERYTHING went wrong. I went straight to the dressing room after and flung myself at the mercy of the band apologising!).
After many years I’ve found my groove. Now I’m on this protocol called Nostr. It’s a strange place. It’s very niche, made up of money obsessed nutters. I share some of their beliefs but not all. It’s very American (is anywhere online not?) but it’s cool. I’m finding myself there more and more. I quit all major platforms in 2019. I’d learned too much nasty shit to contribute to making the companies richer. It’s weird, many people don’t seem to realise, you can stop using these platforms and they disappear. That’s the only thing giving these people power. Maybe people enjoy being milked for data? Do cows like having their teets clamped for milking? I’ve never got an answer from one…
Prior to that I found some weird internet money thing which is also becoming more popular, even the President of the USA has some (I think, he also has some other funny tokens and appears to be scamming people big time, yet people still really dig him for some reason).
This funny money has given me something I’ve not really had before, at least since I was maybe 10. A sense of security. It’s remarkable how much more mentally stable it can make you. When I lost my last living place (usual landlord BS) I moved in with my now wife and built a shed, filled it with noise making stuff. That wouldn’t have been possible without my anger towards the banks and how our governments gave them a free pass after they fucked us all. Some deep shit happened but that’s a whole other story. This thing internet money seems to be catching on...
Now I watch higher status folks stake their claim on the world. I try to zone them out as best I can, at least when they’re telling me how successful they are for reasons and playing their status games online. I’m much more interested in learning, mostly via audio, I’ve spent more hours listening to people I disagree with online than I can keep track of. I learn what I can from them and do my best to disregard the noise and try to maintain an awareness of my biases.
I don’t want to agree with everyone here. The moment I do, I know I’m doing something wrong.
They’ll be someone reading this, maybe you, thinking this is utter cringe. Fair enough, I’m not here for you, I’m looking for cool noise makers and weird people to hang with. Clearly this is self indulgent bollocks but fuck it, I’ll put it on this Nostr thing anyway.