@ rooted
2025-01-27 05:14:52
Some say certain events change our lives in such extreme ways that you will remember them as marking a before and an after. We could say that about some chaotic events making the news, or changes sweeping away the known ways of the world, like a new wave of technology. Something more meaningful can happen to each of us, transforming our lives in deeper ways: love.
I remember a time before him, and everything else is life with him.
Love can feel like a ghost arriving with unpredictable timing and difficult to imagine until you live it. Some think it's real though they've never experienced it. Others spend their lifetimes looking for it. Others think it doesn't exist, and that heartbreak is proof of that. Why does love feel so elusive? How do we even recognize what love is, *real* love. I'm recalling a scene in the movie While You Were Sleeping, which asks the question, "When did you fall in love with him?". The answer being the title of the movie. If you've experienced love, when did you know you were in love?
For me, it was a particular moment where he started digging into what I thought about something. We had spent many days exchanging conversations, I don't remember exactly how long. They felt formal, structured, without as much depth to them. It was as if we didn't yet feel free to be ourselves. I don't remember what we were talking about that specific night, but he was genuinely interested in what I was saying. Many can fake conversations, but this was not that. We had a deeper spontaneous conversation, and he continues to do that almost every single day. We are constantly extending the roots of our history.
Our lifetimes may be but dust in the existence of the universe, but, in this brief moment in time (which seems long to us), we have shared more thoughts than I have probably exchanged with most of the people I know, combined. I didn't think that was possible nor bearable, yet it feels comfortable and often cozy, even after all these years. I miss it significantly when we have gotten busy on something else in our lives. I thought it would fall back into the mundane, but it doesn't. It is like magnetic curiosity on fire.
Not a day goes by where I don't wonder how my life became so blessed by his existence. He has been an oasis, as there is no topic we cannot talk about or dive into respectfully and deeply. Life is not an easy clear path we walk on everyday. On days of turmoil, when emotional waves are crashing on the shores of our hearts, it is this ability to tell each other anything that has resolved most of the issues at core. Listening to what we each have to say has granted us an understanding of the situation no one else could have. The listening is the starting foundation, as we build a compilation of moments on it, like blocks on a Bitcoin blockchain that cannot be undone.
We often hear that happiness is the goal for a relationship, but we haven't experienced a relationship until we have walked through the whole range of emotions together. It is in those moments, where we're hanging on to each other for strength, that you realize the power of love. It is the sweetest nectar that carries you forward, even during bitter times.
There is a before and an after, and I feel grateful for living in the after, for as long as life grants us time.
I often wonder about all those little details that make him special to me, but also their opposite, which makes it often into our conversations as we decide what we want our love to be. It is as if we were creating a compass to how to love from understanding the differences between what we value and what we choose to leave out. It is not a ruleset. It works like a protocol.
It may be a cultural aspect of today's society, which favors women who do not speak their mind, but I hardly ever remember anyone being seriously interested in what I was saying. I've sometimes heard the idea of how we look more beautiful when we're quiet. I don't think beauty could be silent, as it lives within the heart, and you would never get to know it if it doesn't have a voice of its own.
I'm very familiar with the faces of people reacting to something a woman says. It takes different shapes. Some are worried about what you might say, even after they've asked for your advice. They can be concerned that your differing patterns of thinking might reveal a truth they are trying hard to conceal or ignore. Yet our thinking as individuals is often lacking in perspective, and we cannot gaze at the forest while being a tree. Humans are meant to be connected, and exchanging information is an important part of that connection.
Another familiar stare are those vacant eyes, similar nowadays to people looking at their phones. Cancel culture is comparable, as it ignores variety of thought, to live within a controlled sphere of what is acceptable, where truth cannot thrive. On social media, you may not see people's faces, but you can feel the coldness of their silence, as if they had turned their back on a part of their humanity. It used to be that we would only experience reactions from people, now it's not only the people but algorithms, bots.... I understand the need to feel comfortable somewhere, but I've learned the beauty of welcoming human thought, and with it heart. It is like staring out into the ocean, and realizing how small we are. A place where you cannot be yourself, and where you are worried about being censored if you speak on specific topics, seems like a lonely one. I'm grateful we have our own little niche of freedom here.
The worst reactions to differing voices are attacks, regardless of what you have to say. It is like that old Aesop's fable "The Man, the Boy, and the Donkey." That large book of fables is engraved in my childhood memories, with most of its fables lost to time, as if it was perpetually open to that one page. I didn't know then just how important it would be to love. Love requires you to be you. No alternative exists, nor would you want one, once you feel the freedom. As he likes to say, "It is those things you think are imperfect and flawed within you, that I love."
I learned early on that people's reactions are often a reflection of inner turmoil, so you always wonder what each person has lived through that has made them react to you so negatively. Some people seem wired for fighting without a conscious awareness of what's behind their fighting, as if they were trolls, forgoing the benefits of working toward similar goals. Others seem to enjoy the attention that comes with the chaos, and the likes from spreading lies. I wish there was a stronger culture of respect and a desire to understand and learn from each other, as I feel the benefits of that everyday with him. It seems strange to gaze at the conversations of people fighting each other to where they've forgotten what started the fight, and they continue fighting over nothing.
The human desire for ignoring differing points of view or bringing them down runs deeper and more widespread than I'd like. It's as if mutual listening has become a lost art. Without listening, knowledge fades away, along with empathy. Social media may be changing part of the culture, though at times it seems to magnify the issues. The existence of nostr, however, gives me hope, as it's core principle is to value human thought and the diverse ways to protect it. I am grateful for how it encourages a building of trust based on verification, shaping the foundation for both identity and communities.
Who are we if we cannot listen to each other. Who are we if we favor silence of what we do not understand or what is different. Could humanity be what it is today if people didn't exchange their voices and built upon them. Who are we if we silence criticism, when it is through constructive criticism that we grow. Would we want silence of what makes us unique to be the norm for those we love and those who will come in future generations, as if we were a single minded machine puppeteered by a few. Without an ability to think and speak freely, we lose the foundation that makes love possible. Without love it is as if we haven't lived.