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@ 💢Yonle
2025-05-07 17:41:38
And then Linux Tarvold comes and be like “who touch my kernel?” with a voice so deep it made my fridge defrost itself and all my tabs in Firefox crash out of respect. He descended from the ethernet cloud in a robe made of deprecated syscalls and started juggling init systems, mumbling something about “voed lenuk“ and how SystemD once stole his sandwich during a code review. He summoned Alepino Lonek, a mythical creature with an Arch logo on its forehead and runs entirely on spaghetti code and manifestos from 2008. Every time Alepino Lonek blinks, a distro forks. Suddenly, a voice shouted “SNICKERSWARE LUNUX!!” and the sky turned into ASCII art. A penguin made of RAM modules did a backflip and screamed in binary. At that point, a floating chair named Gregory the Hypervisor told me I was inside a container, and not just mentally. Tarvold started dual-booting reality, and each time he rebooted, I woke up in another parallel universe where Firefox uses Edge as its rendering engine and Gentoo is pre-installed on microwaves. We entered the GRUB dimension, where every option leads to the same place—your ex’s blog from 2013. Tarvold typed sudo yeet -rf / and the Earth vibrated. I tried to hold onto bash, but it aliased itself into a sentient rubber duck named Blorp, who now gives motivational speeches to misconfigured cron jobs. Then there was this random guy named Dr. Kernel Panic who rolled in with an IKEA bag full of corrupted USB sticks and screamed “I AM THE UPDATER.” He started installing firmware updates on trees and unzipping .tar.gz files in public, causing earthquakes of unresolved dependencies. Even the Snap Store ran away crying. In the distance, El Pi Ji Ti rode in on a rainbow Segway screaming “REPENT, FOR THE FLAGS ARE UP!” and started sorting people by RGB values and browser extensions. One of the flags had a potato on it and everyone clapped like it made sense. At that point, someone offered me a voed lenuk flavored ice cream, and it tasted like compiler errors and childhood abandonment. Meanwhile, Alepino Lonek was now in a political debate with a Debian toaster, and somehow, the toaster was winning. And don’t even question me. coz if you ask “why,” a firewall in Uzbekistan will collapse, and your WiFi will become sentient and start leaking your embarrassing search history to Bluetooth speakers in your neighbor’s house. This is not a story. This is a firmware update. Pray you don’t get stuck on 99%.