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@ The Kali Mera Show
2025-03-10 13:08:11Whilst starting out documenting coming off prescription drugs and an attempt at self improvement. I now understand that I want to write a weekly blog to clarify my thoughts and provide a means for self introspection and self improvement. It’s pretty narcissistic to be honest but I’m fine with that. I’m trying to be honest in my approach and it is what it is.
Some folks will write about economics, others culture war hot topics or how they stick raw egg up their arse for profit type diet advice. It’s unlikely I’ll approach any of those topics, there’s a lot of noise already and I don’t want to add to the pile.
Each week I will write a page of A4 and hope over time the writing style will improve. It’s coming from an extremely low base so I’m most optimistic about the upside potential!
I’ve been pretty hard on myself in the last week, folks who interact with me here may have noticed, my wife certainly has and it’s true. I’ve been an emotional wreck. For over a decade my brain chemistry was altered by drugs and my brain is not a comfortable place. Staying on the drugs was easy but it’s not the answer.
I notice it’s quite common for folks to say you should never speak ill of yourself here, words have power. On one level I agree, no one should beat themselves unnecessarily but I think it’s just as important to be self aware, understand where you have biases, where you have strengths and weaknesses. If you’re never hard on yourself, how do you improve? Only by facing problems face on is what I’m thinking.
I broke down in tears on a live stream last week, pretty embarrassing. The day before I’d seen footage of a gig I’d done in 2013 (I think), a gig that helped pave the way for some of the cool projects I’ve been involved with over the last decade. It was nothing fancy, just a night in a local pub. What truly broke my heart was seeing my late friend on drums. He committed suicide not long after that gig.
I was on such a high at that time. We had begun working with world class musicians, acts people had actually heard of, not Pop but credible artists. Our own band had just got its first national radio play and we’d been offered a deal to make an album with a reasonable advance. We were doing tonnes of gigs, studio sessions and having fun (at least I thought). Nothing glamorous, long sessions in low budget studios, gigs getting paid fuck all but we were DOING THINGS. We were doing what we’d always wanted to do. Make music.
So with that fresh in my memory I thought I’d try playing a record we’d made together on the stream, absolute car crash. I could barely speak. Music completely kicked my arse that day. After all this time, I’m still not over it.
Him dying like that kicked the shit out of me in ways I can’t begin to describe. I fell into a very deep depression myself after that and I was so fucking angry. I’d say more but I don’t feel comfortable talking about it, knowing whatever pain I feel, it’s nothing compared to the pain his family feel. They are very private people. I respect that.
It was around that time I started being medicated. I came very close to committing suicide myself and was talked out of driving my car off a cliff by the samaritans. Fun right!?
Aside from the music stuff, we were both working for a charity helping kids from tough backgrounds develop life skills through music. The week before his death we’d both lost a lot of hours work due to government cut backs. Cut backs that were put in place as our country was compelled to bail out a bunch of bankers. I’m STILL angry about that, but less so now.
I want to keep anything I earn as far away from the banks as is possible. Seriously, fuck them. Fuck them. Fuck them. Fortunately there is an opt out.
It’s unlikely I’ll say much more on the subject. Sure I could game Nostr by endless posting pictures of Michael Sailor but frankly, no. I have nothing in common with the guy. He gave up music because there was no money in it. Fuck him, his beats would suck anyway, he has no soul haha but hey, he’s enjoying himself and that’s good for h.
I don’t have thousands upon thousands of bitcoin but I have no money in the bank and thousands of Sats. Win!