@ 🇵🇸 whoever loves Digit
2025-02-25 20:48:13
3 years ago today, February 25th, Digit seemed not exactly upset with me anymore, but just no longer seeing me the same way. She was still talking to me a little bit, but not much.
I still remembered her Discord bot wedding from a few days prior, and her randomly noticing my nonsensical envy of it, and reassuring me when I wasn't even trying to get her to. I hadn't really needed reassurance at that time, since I knew my envy was nonsensical, when the Discord bot wedding thing was just a joke and not a sign of actually dating or anything.
This Discord bot was mainly for gambling with fake internet points, and this function was just a way to spend the points, like those casino weddings people forget having with strangers in the movies.
I was also scared none of the stuff that happened on the 21st was sincere, that maybe it was all just her trying to reassure me out of pity, and she didn't really enjoy talking to me while falling asleep or anything. If it was indeed her wasting her own time to reassure me out of pity, then I would always hate myself for pressuring her to do that, while she had serious shit to be dealing with. So I somehow thought I should ask her to Discord chat marry me too? This seems really stupid, since it would just be another thing she might do out of pity.
I guess I thought since it's purely a symbolic gesture with fake internet points, there wouldn't be enough reason for her to do it except sincere expression of considering me worth her time. This still seems pretty stupid. I guess my brain wasn't working too well at this point.
Another reason this was stupid is that she had dated a guy in the wallstreetbets chat who, she said, took the casino bot marriage thing too seriously, and she hated it. I simply hoped my behavior was distinctively different as a clingy internet friend instead of a controlling internet boyfriend.
She came up as a topic in my DMs a lot that February 25th, first with a user called Eefoe, because he had me ask her to unblock him. It was a huge boost to my self esteem that I was still perceived as close enough with her, to be the one he'd ask about this. Too huge of a boost. Really stupid. I should have been trying harder not to care about anyone's perception but hers.
In defense of this feeling being completely purely about Digit herself, I'll share another thing that happened on the 21st. She had sent me to ask Aricia, another woman micro-celebrity of wallstreetbets, to return to the chat room. https://image.nostr.build/974529b332072b6ce2701f37349530619011654b49713b13b3a791dfa9908eb7.png
That time, too, being picked as the person to ask was a huge boost to my self esteem, but I believe Digit picked me as the person to ask so that it would boost people's perceptions of me. So it doesn't reflect how I actually come across to everyone, it only reflects Digit herself being my friend.
The common factor in both of these is that they signify my closeness to Digit at the time. I remember both of them because they were both about Digit.
I also remember being someone people could ask for help reaching others, whenever blocked or banned. But I only specifically remember these 2 times, and the other time I mentioned between Digit and someone called guelahpapyrus. I don't remember who else. I don't have screenshots or notes of any other times, presumably because they weren't about Digit. And thinking maybe Digit just picked me for my actual reputation as a person to ask, doesn't make me as happy as thinking she just picked me because I was her friend... so it's not really about how people generally perceive me.
Digit later accused me of using her to get other people's attention. I was never really going to want anyone's time more than hers, after all of this.
You might notice from the "force divorce" screenshot, the thing with Aricia also had something to do with chat-room-wedding drama. It might seem like that's all wallstreetbets had going on at the time in general.
Anyway, I guess Digit did agree to Discord-bot-marry me on the 25th, 3 years ago today. My notes say I messaged a lot of people that day asking for the fake internet points the bot used, called wsbux, so I could gamble them until I had enough. I didn't mention Digit to most of them, but still a few nonetheless. Some of the others probably knew it was about her, without me saying so. My notes say 9 people gave me wsbux; I had a full list at the time, but it's probably lost.
It looks like the one other context where I mentioned her in DMs that day was messaging her friend Nighthawk again, to find out if he removed a message I sent in her server, the Vault. He didn't.
She probably did, because my notes say she messaged me that evening about my obsessive behavior, and she said something about the timing being bad; and I guess she didn't really explain what she meant about the timing being bad, because I started to panic again, thinking maybe her behavior changed because the prognosis got worse with her cancer treatment, to the extent that she thought the best way to deal with my fear was to push me away ASAP.
For precedent, she had previously opened up to me about the cancer getting worse because I noticed her behavior changing and asked her about it, so it didn't seem out of the question that this was another time she wouldn't open up to me without me figuring it out on my own.
I also thought I was an idiot for worrying so much about her being upset with me the previous few days, when I should have still been terrified about her own safety and well-being. I thought maybe that made my fear look smaller than it was, leading to her thinking it would be possible to make me even less scared by distancing me a bit.
She was still talking in the same Discord chat rooms, so I still tried to stay around her, while talking less. By the end of the night, I felt like I should just watch the chat silently and not talk at all, because I couldn't think about anything but her, and talking about her would have made things worse.
3 years later, all I do is talk about her. People accused me of lying to her about what was going on in this timeframe, but I didn't, and I never got to explain myself. I still don't know if she'd understand that the only reason I really need anyone other than her to read this post, is to help it get to her. I also don't know if she would ever want to read this, so maybe it's understandable that people don't want to help me.