@ trax
2025-02-05 18:05:42
"Things usually don't pan out the way you want them to."
It's not really a quote, probably someone said it at some point, but I just wanted to have it at the beginning. My thought process while sitting here is going as - I haven''t written anything for close to 6 months, I need to refer to that fact, and say something about it. I know, things don't usually work out, and wanting to write once a week turned to be no writing for 6 months. Tough luck
I don't really have a good explanation for this. Last post was from end of August 2024. I wouldn't say a lot of things happened in the meantime (especially not a lot that would make me not have time to sit down and write something). People always ask "How have you been?", "Anything happened to you lately?", and my answer is usually - "Nothing special", "Nothing new", "Same old".. (that's probably why I'm not good in conversations with people). But a lot of things have happened, it's just that I feel none of my stories would be interesting to people, or things I find fascinating would just bore everyone. So I usually keep quiet. This is strange, really, since a lot of things that people talk to me about, I don't really care for. But those are their interests, and what are friends for, than to listen to each other? I may be wrong with this one, since writing these words was hard - and I don't really believe in them. It requires some additional thought.
I've always considered myself to be good at spotting when people are uncomfortable, or bored with something (or someone) - like George form Seinfeld. It's likely that I've caught on to people being that way in my presence, so I stopped sharing a lot. Who the heck knows, it's hard being your own psychiatrist, so I won't be one. I'm here to write things.
Since we're on the topic of what happened in the past 6 months, I'd really need to think about everything, and even though you're reading this quickly, a lot of pause has been made when composing this list (I'm going at it one by one, and really trying to remember):
- I met with my old university friends - haven't seen them in 3 years
- visited my sister in another country, and hung out with my little nephew
- had a PR in my squats (50kg) - it's a topic for a different day, but it's a big thing for me, I'm very proud of it.
- I'm working on my spiritual side - trying to get closer to God by reading scripture, praying, and listening to various sermons (which is also a good topic - to share my experiences here)
- I'm following semen retention, it's been a whole year recently. Being single helps, but I won't go into details of it now
- I bought a small 25-key keyboard, and I'm learning playing on it (trying to transfer as much as I can from the guitar experience)
- I feel like anxiety, and fears which have been overwhelming my whole life, have died down a bit. I can still feel them, and when days are bad, so are they, but there have been a lot of good days. Causes for this are numerous, but again, a topic for another time
- I've kept my job
- I've started buying Bitcoin again - I was so "down and out" that even the thought of re-activating my accounts on exchanges was a no-go, but somehow I managed to do it, and am becoming increasingly richer in sats, on a daily basis
- I've been going out more - hanging out with people, and socializing - I'm noticing a substantial increase of this kind of behaviour. I'm not really meeting new people, mostly stick to the ones I already know (which is not a lot)
- I've visited my lifelong friend in another country again, and have a feeling we've rekindled the friendship. It's been a rough time for both of us, and even though we met here and there, at times it felt to be more of a chore. Now, I feel things have changed a bit, and I like it.
- I'm still living with my parents. I don't hate it, it's just something I do. There are strange comments, and I guess people find it curious, but it is what it is.
- I have a much better relation with my father. We've always had an OK relation. He's also a reserved person - I'm not sure of the term and google isn't helping. Likes to keep to himself mostly. We've found some common topics to discuss, and I've been enjoying it. He seems to like it as well. It mostly revolves around football, and watching games together.
- even though I've been sick for the past couple of weeks, my health in general is good. I'm not totally happy with the situation I'm in, but it's still miles ahead of what it has been just a year or two ago
- Some plans have been popping up in my head - after a long time, I have some things I'd like to do. It usually takes a long time to actually do them, but even the thought of wanting something new and different is refreshing, and I'll take it.
I don't know.. There probably are a lot of other things - I mean, there certainly are more private thoughts I've been thinking about - love, romance, romantic partners, God, inner peace, lust, fears, music, family, future.. But I'm not willing to share those yet.
I've finished the Bible last year - by doing daily readings of 10-15 minutes via an app. I've restarted it this year, and going through it again.
Also, I'M noticing that a lot of these sentences start with "I've done this", "I've done that", "I'm this" or "I'm that" - it's understandable, with this being sort-of a personal writing journey, but somehow it's not sitting well with me to have most of the sentences being this way.
I'll keep that in mind for next time. ^^