-
@ pam
2025-05-15 15:40:21My week started off with a lovely message from a friend : “I often think about you. Especially during times when it requires me to be more resilient and have faith in myself. I always carry your note in the book you gave me, “what the dog saw” And it always gives me courage and I send a little prayer your way”.
This friend of mine was dealing with the undercurrent of discrimination in my alma mater when we first met, and I helped out. It's something anybody would have done, but surprisingly, nobody else showed up. We’ve stayed in touch over the years, and my friend went on to help a lot of other people along the way.
I don’t remember what I wrote in that note. It’s something I tend to do (write notes, give books, write notes in books). But the message boomeranged back to me at a time when I needed to hold the line. To keep the faith.
Most of us don’t talk about our struggles. And sometimes the smallest act, which could just be a kind word or a reminder of the person you are, can carry farther than we imagine.
On the act of giving
There’s a book called Give and Take by Adam Grant. I picked it up hoping to learn how to take, because it’s always been easier to give and harder to accept help. But what I learned was something else entirely.
Grant studied over 30,000 people across different companies and grouped them into three types: * Givers * Matchers * Takers
Based on his studies, givers often finish last... They struggle the most. They burn out. They get overlooked. They’re too trusting.
But oddly, they also rise to the very top.
Matchers are the scorekeepers, the “I’ll help you if you help me” kind. They make up most of the population. The fascinating thing about tit-for-tat is that if someone’s kind, they reciprocate. But if someone acts like a jerk, they return the energy, and over time, it becomes a pool of spoiled milk. Matchers are a lukewarm, forgettable kind of network.
Takers are the ones chasing attention, always aligning themselves with whoever looks powerful. They tend to float toward status and soak up what they can. But they often portray themselves as kind and giving.
One example Grant shared was Enron's Kenneth Lay, who was at the center of one of the biggest corporate scandals in U.S. history. He hung around wherever he’d get seen or validated. He funded both Bush and Clinton, hedging his bets on who might win by securing proximity. Sadly, when Enron crumbled, he died of a heart attack before his prison sentencing.
Most people steer clear from takers because they are just exhausting. And takers often collapse under the weight of their own games.
But takers aren’t the lowest performers. That spot belongs to a certain kind of giver—the self-neglecting kind. The ones with no boundaries, no clarity, and no self-awareness. They give in to avoid conflict, to feel worthy, or because they don’t know how to say no. And when life breaks them, they point fingers.
Then there’s the other kind of giver. The ones who build trust and build people up without asking for a receipt.
These givers: 1. Give without expectation, from a place of purpose 2. Build and uplift others without seeking credit 3. Set boundaries and walk away when giving turns into draining
This group of givers rarely talk much about what they do for others. But when you hear about it or see it, it stays with you. It makes you want to show up a little better.
Why open source environments feels like home
The more I thought about it, the more I saw how deeply open source reflects that kind of giving that ends up right at the top.
In open source, you don’t last if it’s just about ego. You can’t fake it. There are no titles, no awards. You either show up to build and help, or you don’t.
People who give without needing to be seen are the ones the community leans on. You can tell when someone’s pretending to care. It’s in their tone, their urgency and their sense of transaction. The genuine ones don’t need to brand themselves as generous. They just are.
Open source works because giving is the default setting. The work speaks volumes and generosity compounds. The system filters for people who show up with purpose and stay consistent.
It’s also why the ones who whine, posture, or manipulate rarely last. They might call themselves givers, but they’re not fooling anyone who’s actually doing the work.
Adam Grant found that for giver cultures to thrive, takers have to be removed. They need to be pruned. Because takers poison the well. They drain givers, shift the culture from contribution to calculation, and unravel the trust that holds open systems together.
When hope boomerangs
That note is something I don’t remember writing. But it found its way back to me, and it was a good reminder to take my own advice and keep the faith.
And maybe that’s the point.
You do a small thing. And years later, it circles back when it matters most. Not because you expected it. But because you mattered.
According to Grant, givers do best when they combine generosity with grit and strategy. They create networks built on goodwill, which eventually open doors others don’t even know exist.
So if you’re wondering where I’m going with this, do something genuinely kind for someone today. Even if it’s as simple as sending a kind note. Not for you to be seen or heard. And not for you to keep scores.
But, just because.