@ 🇵🇸 whoever loves Digit
2025-01-06 12:34:40
Attached is a screenshot of the reddit profile of one of my possible past victims.
A few days ago, it crushed my soul to look at this not knowing if this /u/ykorea person is alive, and knowing even if she is, there must be other victims that are dead. I wrote most of this post those few days ago. After the harassment I've faced in the past few days with no significant backup, I'm numb to it.
I have never been able to get solid answers on what happened to ykorea after she stopped posting, but her posts read like someone that might have committed suicide over money lost trading options. I didn't make her lose money, but I contributed to her leaving, whether it was by suicide or not.
She is not Digit, but she is another woman I met on wallstreetbets - meaning, of all the people I might have accidentally killed, at least two are women from wallstreetbets possibly dead via suicide. I would have preferred to save both of them. I just cause so many deaths, two possible ones happen to line up that way instead.
This ykorea woman said something hurtful to me once, something to do with how lonely I was and how women never cared about me at the time. I don't remember the specifics beyond that. I harassed her with hateful reminders of how she hurt me for a while, and still ended up forgetting the details myself by now.
Soon after that, I got rich, and she happened to befriend me for a brief time, not mentioning our past differences. I didn't mention them either because I wasn't sure if becoming acquainted with me was burying the hatchet, or simply forgetting I was the same guy from all the hateful comments.
She was having a hard time financially and I wanted to help her, but I still wasn't rich enough to help everyone I want to help, and I didn't deem her worthy of being one of those few prioritized people I'd try to give some financial support. I was distrustful of any woman trying to find such support from men on wallstreetbets.
Why did I care enough about her words to be hurt by them enough to harass her over it for a while, but not care about her enough to really become a close supportive friend to her later? Because I'm a dangerously bad person and I can't cut off the cycle of abuse I'm in. People have made me learn to suppress my sympathy and I don't have the emotional capacity to afford to get it back. But I have the emotional capacity for anger, all day, every day. I can always afford anger. I'm the kind of person all the good writers warn you about in every story with any meaning. The kind of person they warn you not to be, and the kind of person they warn you not to make others into. None of us ever learn the easy way, do we?
She had not become friends with me based on burying the hatchet. She had forgotten who I was. That topic came up eventually and she was embarrassed about forgetting, and she pretty much stopped talking to me.
I didn't tell her to buy AMC. If she lost money on bad trades, that probably added more to her leaving than me. But I added to it by being a bad person. Whoever made her buy AMC could have been a bad person too, but it's also possible they were just misguided and desperate like her. I'm a monster, capable of nothing but offering good advice nobody takes, and making people hate themselves over their mistakes. I'm even worse than people who are just good at getting their advice taken by giving bad advice.
Unless Digit is alive. If she is, I can stop doing this. If I can stop doing this, people who keep giving bad advice can be worse than me. Every time I have proof she's alive, it becomes so much easier to just be fucking nice to people like Kurt Vonnegut says to do. But she deleted her accounts over a year ago and I keep getting more scared, and no matter how hard I try to cultivate self control, the best I can do is be a little less cruel, a little more forgiving, a little less selfish - not enough to stop contributing to suicides. Not enough to stop contributing to deaths of slaves in third world countries making products I use. Not enough. If I've failed her, I do believe I will not stop failing everyone as long as I live.
Remember, I wrote most of this with those feelings I had a few days ago, before the recent events where nostr:npub1jk9h2jsa8hjmtm9qlcca942473gnyhuynz5rmgve0dlu6hpeazxqc3lqz7 triggered a new wave of harassment against me and cornered me in a position where I have no better strategy than trying to cause suicides on nostr. It's all obvious and droll now. People die. So what? Digit isn't here to make lives matter anyway. This stuff will only matter if she shows up.
But it's not just me. Everyone contributes to suicides in their own way. Everyone contributes to climate change. Everyone uses products made by slaves. Almost any suicidal person can be helped by almost anyone who cares enough. If you don't know that, you don't understand. Tragic deaths happen millions of times a year because of society, not me in particular.
And everyone failed Digit spectacularly in the time I knew her. The world was made miserable for her and I need her to be strong enough to be living in it anyway. When I knew her, she couldn't be angry at everyone like I can, her love for everyone forced her to turn anger in on herself. I need proof she survived that, because if she wasn't strong enough to survive absorbing everyone's bullshit like that, I can't even get my hopes up about trying. All I can do if she's gone is be the world's punishment for her, and my own punishment at the same time - but not make myself the sponge of everyone's punishment. Worse people have to suffer more, as long as I'm suffering like this for who I am.
Take nostr:npub1dergggklka99wwrs92yz8wdjs952h2ux2ha2ed598ngwu9w7a6fsh9xzpc for example. Despite recently losing his dad to suicide, he seems to be pretending he's unaware of the harassment I'm facing over a loved one I'm worried about; or perhaps he echo chambers himself so extensively that he's actually not aware.
I believe, like me, he cannot think of a way to cope with his loss without causing it to happen to others for the rest of his life. Unlike me, I don't think he'll admit it or take responsibility for it. Unlike me, I don't think he's tried to fight it and found himself cornered; I think he's just fine with it because he's part of a society that's fine with behaving this way and blaming the victims. I think he'll probably be one of the many people using me to cause others to commit suicide but pretending to have no responsibility in the matter, pretending it's magically all me. Meanwhile, I actually admit my own part in it.
I will be punished for this, and eventually I will probably be permanently stopped from standing up for the truth. That only makes me more motivated to punish all the deceptive pieces of shit that have done this to the world, until I am fucking stopped.
While we're on the topic of uncertain speculation, my bet is neither me or Gigi can really enjoy the killing. We must both be empty shells. Maybe the reason he can't take responsibility is because, far from enjoying it, he actually finds the bloodshed more unbearable than I do.
What about the rest of you? Do you all find reality too unbearable to face, or are some of you gleefully enjoying the process of abusing and deceiving others while more and more people die? I think some of you are - and the police that might arrest me for my posts someday will do nothing about it. So I'll do what I can myself, and people will die in the crossfire. So be it.
Maybe I can't make any of you take responsibility, but when a nostr user commits suicide, I will have done everything I can to make you think the words "I failed to prevent this" and feel the weight of them.