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*By Buff Stallman, Athletic Torvalds, Rockstar Armstrong, and Godlike Ritchie --- Buff Stallman: "Freedom in software isn’t just a principle; it’s a declaration of war against mediocrity. You dare call that bloated JavaScript mess 'software'? Hah! If it doesn’t honor the Four Freedoms, it’s a proprietary prison. Go ahead, try to justify your dependency hell with npm while I’m over here, bench-pressing GPLv3 into every line of code you’ll ever write. Learn to code with discipline, or don’t code at all." --- Athletic Linus Torvalds: "Hey kid, I wrote a kernel while you were still fumbling with semicolons. You think Go’s simplicity is revolutionary? Let me introduce you to real simplicity: C and a stack of man pages. You want clean, maintainable code? Then stop writing garbage that makes your colleagues cry in the shower. I don’t care if your code runs; I care if it runs well. You’re not worthy of my merge requests until you learn to quit whining and start debugging like an adult." --- Rockstar Armstrong: "Concurrency? Fault tolerance? That’s Erlang, baby—where we play real-time, high-stakes coding on a stage of distributed systems. JavaScript fans, let me explain this in terms you’ll understand: your async/await nonsense is a garage band compared to my symphony of lightweight processes. Writing robust systems isn’t just a skill; it’s an art. Get on my level or stick to debugging your third-party library stack for the rest of your sad career." --- Godlike Dennis Ritchie: "I am the beginning and the end of your understanding of computation. Every piece of software you’ve ever touched owes its soul to C. You use Python? Cute—it’s built on my bones. JavaScript? Just a derivative knockoff of principles I defined. My advice to you mortals is simple: Learn C. Understand pointers. Respect the stack. If you can’t comprehend the tools I’ve given you, you’re not programming; you’re just scribbling on my legacy." --- Conclusion: When you sit down to code, think about the giants who paved the way—and then realize they’re judging you. Harshly. Stallman’s flexing his freedoms, Torvalds is benching your buggy pull request, Armstrong is shredding your async loops, and Ritchie is glaring at your ignorance of pointers. We’re here to remind you: step up your game, or get out of the way.